Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
