Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
