i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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