I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
