Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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