The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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