Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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