You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
