the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
