I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He better not be in your backpack
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
