Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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