heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
