Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Are we still banned from the library?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
