The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
