soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My vagina is very pro this idea
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
