fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
