I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
