Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
