Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
