Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
