1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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