so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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