Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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