Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
