When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
