Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
