The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
