Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
