I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
