Your tits are I can't wait for
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
