please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
