TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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