My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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