Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
