I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
