I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
