I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
