I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
