omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
