I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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