you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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