I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
