he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you didnt know i had herpes?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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