I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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