Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
