I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
