Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
