I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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