I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
