i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
