peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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