Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
