Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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